Sunday, February 27, 2011

Patricia turns 4...and Got My Biggest Nightmare!

Patricia turned 4 years old on February 5, 2011. We had a simple family gathering here at home. She knows that it's her birthday. She was happy and excited the whole day. She blew her candle with the help of her cousins. We sung the birthday song 3 times, since she wants to blow the candles and sing again and again. Our families and relatives show their support, brought food, gifts and most especially positive reinforcements and encouragement. They said that Patricia showed a lot of improvement already. She's a aware of what's happening and the people around her. She even danced in front of them, giving them a show. She wants to be in the middle of the party, she goes where the people are. She had a blast!

The following day, she had a high fever with dry cough. She just wanted to lie down the whole day. We got worried because she still has her birthday party in school. The following day, she's still sick but still went to school just to celebrate. She blew her candle, gave away her loot bags, and received gifts.  She even vomited inside the classroom. We left right away.

We had to give her paracetamol every 4 hours. She hated it. We tried different brands, hoping that she'll like it better but to no avail. Biogesic for Kids worked better compared to others. She can tolerate it better, although it's still a struggle giving it to her. Her dad holds her hands and feet while I give the medicine, several times since she throws it up and refuses to swallow it. We also needed to nebulize her every 6 hours. Now, that was her nightmare. She's so scared of the nebulizer, maybe the sound of the machine or the smoke coming out of it. We tried giving it to her while she's sleeping but she still wakes up, and when she does, it's like a wrestling match. It was a very stressful time for her and for us. We were all so tired every time.

And then, she gave me my biggest nightmare. A week after her birthday, she was still sick. We were still giving her medicine. I had to leave for a lunch meeting. The whole time, her dad didn't give her medicine. They waited for me. As soon as I arrived home, we gave her medicine. She fell asleep. And when she woke up, she didn't like me anymore. She didn't like me near her, touch her, give her milk, and even just the sight of me freaks her out. She only likes her dad. She pushes me out the room. She doesn't want me on the bed. I had to sleep in her play room for a week. It made me cry every night. We analyzed the situation and thought that maybe, she associates me with forcing her to drink medicine and nebulize. So one night, her dad went out with his friends. We were left together, hoping that since she has no choice but me, she'll like me again. But we were so wrong. She had a full blown tantrum. Jumping, crying, slapping herself, banging the door, shouting for her dad, for 3 hours straight. I tried everything, singing, dancing, playing her favorite videos, giving her food, but nothing worked. When she got tired, she lied down the bed, drunk her milk, but I had to be out of her sight. She'd rather be alone than to be with me. It broke my heart. I cried so hard when her dad came. She hates me.

2 days after, her dad needed to attend a wedding. She'd be with me again. I was nervous not knowing what to expect. We went to the mall with her grandma, aunt and cousin. She was okay at first, but after a while, she started looking for her dad. We went outside, she cried, lied down on the floor, kicking and shouting. People were looking at us. We waited for them to come out and went straight to the car. Went to a nice park, thinking that she'd like it better there. She got excited when she saw the fountains, but only for a few minutes, and started crying again. We decided to just leave and go to my parents' place, which is just 5 minutes away. She still cried there looking for her dad. It seems like she doesn't even know me. We waited for her dad there. She was okay when he arrived.

I was so scared that it will go on like that forever. It was a very difficult situation. Her dad can't work because she wants him to be beside her all the time. I can't take care of her because she didn't want to see me. I can't even clean the room. Can't assist her when she vomits. Can't sleep well since she didn't want me on the bed. Her dad can't go anywhere. Her tantrums are like we've never seen before.

But little by little, she improved. First she allowed me on the bed, but not beside her. I stay on the other end of the bed. But just yesterday, she transferred between her dad and me, finally sleeping beside me. I missed her so much. She now plays with me again, laughing, singing and dancing with me again. And we even notice that she responds better now. She talks when we ask her to say something. Her eye contact is even better. I look at it as the rainbow after the storm. She's back. She loves me again. God just gave me a glimpse of what others are experiencing. He gave my husband a chance to feel how I feel sometimes too, hopeless and helpless. The experience made us appreciate each other better, appreciate every moment, and love our daughter even more, when we thought that there's no more left to give. Made us realize that our hearts are over-flowing with love for her, and that it will never be enough nor too much. Our love for her is forever and will never change.

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